I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
