I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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