i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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