I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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