Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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