I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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