wanna go halves on a baby?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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