mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
