Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
