Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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