Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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