I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
