he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
