last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
