mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
