He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
