i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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