I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
