Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
