just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
