I showed him my bush... on skype.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
