I puked a lego.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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