Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
