some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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