the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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