I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Drake has all the answers
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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