I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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