remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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