drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
