I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
