R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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