I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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