I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
