im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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