I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
