i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
