...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
