Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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