Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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