Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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