as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
