my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
