if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
