I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
