if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
