woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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