Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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