i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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