***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
