you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
