nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
