I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
