I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
