ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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