Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
